Scene 4

FRODO: What do we do?
Strider looks around.
STRIDER: Where are your rooms?
SAM: We don’t have any rooms!
STRIDER: Oh well!
They run out into the hall and find an empty room.
STRIDER: This’ll do!
They stuff the beds with pillows and shut the curtains.
FRODO: What’s this going to do?
STRIDER: I have no idea!
SAM: Here they come!
They run back to Strider’s room and hide under the bed with Merry and Pippin


Wraith #1: Look!  The Porky Pony!
Wraith #2: Why isn’t our talking in caps?
You aren’t special enough.
Wraith #2: Why I otta....
Wraith #4: Well, it says free drinks!  Let’s go!
Wraith #5: But Sauruman said to get the ring!
They all punch him.
Wraith #5: Or, we could take a quick libation.
They park their horses and walk into the Porky Pony Inn.
Wraith #3: Wow, a bar fight!
Wraith #2: Look at that sign!
Wraith #2 pulls down a poster.
He reads aloud.
Wraith #2: Now showing, “Wild Ponies!”
Wraith #5: Cool.
Wraith #4: Say, isn’t that them dudes we are afta?
Wraith #3: It is, isn’t it!  Let’s go!
He goes to run up the stairs.
Wraith #1 catches him by the cloak.
Wraith #1: Wait!  The free drinks first!
Wraith #3: Oh yeah.
They walk up to the bar.
Wraith #4: Bar dude, 5 milks please!
The bartender screams and runs off.
Wraiths: Hmmf!
The fight stops, everyone screams and the bar is emptied.
Wraith #5: All the more milk for us!
They start to drink all the milk.
After a while, all the milk is gone.
Wraith #2: Reckon now would be a good time to go and get them hobbits?
Wraith #4: *burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*
He gets smacked.
Wraith #1: Let’s go get ‘em!
They run up the stairs.
Wraith #2: This room!
He opens the door.
WOMAN: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
She throws a bar of soap at them.
Wraith #3: Nope, definitely not.
They continue on to the next room.
FRODO: Oh shoot they found us!
MERRY: Quick, do something!
Sam pushes play on the VCR.
Voice: Hold it right dere!
The Wraiths all stop.
Wraith #1: Who are you?
Voice: You was here last night!  And you was smoochin’ wid my brudda!
Wraith #1: I’m afraid you are mistaken!  We are looking for a ring....
Voice: Don’t gimme that!  You been smoochin’ wid everybody!  Cheeks, BonyBill, Barliman Butterbur, little Glorfindel with the gimpy leg, Tom, Gil, Sauron.
Wraith #1: What?  No I have not!
All the other Wraiths look at him suspiciously.
Voice: Ok, I believe you, but my Tommy Gun don’t!
Wraith #2 soils his armor.
Sam and Frodo snicker.
Voice: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.
They all get down on their knees.
Wraiths: We love you!
Voice: You gotta do better than that!
Wraith #1: oh for the Gray Haven’s sake!  We LOVE you!
Voice: Ok, I believe you, that’s why I’m gonna let you go.  I’m gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your lousy, stinkin, no good, four flushing carcass out my door!
The Wraiths scramble to leav.
Voice: One....two......ten!
A Tommy gun starts to fire.
They Wraiths scream and run out the door.
The voice laughs insanely.
Wraith #4: Definitely not that room!
All the Hobbits and Strider crack up under the beds.
Wraith #2: Next room!
They go to the next room.
TAPE RECORDER: We’re asleep, come and kill us.
Wraith #1: Wow!  We found them.
Loud snoring.
Wraith #4: Ok, let’s kill them and get the ring.
Hey stab the beds.
Wraith #2: Darn! Feathers!
Wraith #5: But look!  The ring!
Wraith #5 picks up the ring and they all run outside.
They mount their horses and ride off into the sunset.

FRODO: That was a close one!!!
They all get out from under the beds.
STRIDER: We best be off.  Do you still have that port-a-pottie that Gandalf gave you?
SAM: Yeah!  We hid it in the trees.
They all run outside and go into the woods outside the city.
MERRY: Where did it go?
PIPPIN: It was right here!
STRIDER: Oh no, not good.
Frodo starts to panic.
FRODO: Oh my, oh no, oh heck!  What are we going to do!!!!!!!!!???????
Sam starts to panic too.
Merry and Pippin start looking through the trees.
STRIDER: Well, I guess that this means that we will have to be going on foot.
FRODO: On foot??? WHERE???
Strider covers Frodo’s mouth with his hand.
STRIDER: We have to get that ring to Mordor.
FRODO: Oh right, but what about Gandalf?
Strider walks out of the trees and the others follow him.
STRIDER: Well, if he didn’t meet us here...
SAM: He did, only he went away again.
STRIDER: Then we have to make for Amun-Sul, Weather Top, the great watch Tower of Acthelion.
MERRY: Is that all one place?
STRIDER: Maybe.....
MERRY: Sheesh!
STRIDER: Come, we must go.
FRODO: Why?
STRIDER: We have to get out of here before those Wraiths come back.
FRODO: But they are taking a ring to Mordor!

<<<<ON THE ROAD TO MORDOR>>>>

Wraith #1: We are almost there!
They come to the Rainbow Gates.
Wraith # 2: Let us pass.
Evil dude: Not until you pay the toll.
Wraith #2: Toll, what toll?
The Evil dude points around.
Evil dude: Well, the toll you pay for crossing me gate.
Wraith #2: What? This gate is on his father’s land!
He points to #1
Wraith #4: *gasp* Sauron’s your father?
Wraith #1: That was supposed to be our secret!
Wraith #2 covers his mouth and tuns red.
Wraith #1: So how much do we owe you?
Evil dude: $29.50 a head.
Wraith #5: We ain’t really got heads.
Evil dude scratches his chin.
Evil dude: Well, then, I guess there is no toll.  You may pass!
Wraith #5: Thanks!
They go through the gate and ride up to Saruman’s Castle.
Wraith #1: Oops, I forgot.
Wraith #5: What?
Wraith #1: Saruman’s still in Isenguard.
They all make nasty comments and go back through the gate.
Wraith #1: Sorry!
Evil dude waves goodbye as they ride off to Isenguard.


<<<<IN ISENGUARD>>>>

Saruman: Against the powers of darkness there can be no victory.  We must join with him, Gandalf.  We must join Sauron.  It would be wise, my friend.
GANDALF: Tell me, friend, when—
Wraith #1 bursts through the door.
Wraith #1: Saruman!  I got the ONE ring!!!!
Saruman: You what???!!!
Gandalf tries to sneak out the open door.
Saruman shuts it with his magical powers.
GANDALF: Dangnammit!
Wraith #1: Ooooh.
Saruman: Give it to me!!!
Wraith #1 gives the ring to him.
Saruman: Yes! YES!!!!!!
He puts it on.
Saruman: Can you see me?
Gandalf scoffs.
GANDALF: Well, you are standing right in front of me.
Saruman pulls off the ring and looks on the inside.
Saruman: This does not look like the One Ring!
He throws it in the fireplace.
Saruman: If the firey letters appear, it is the ring, just out of whack.
The ring melts.
Saruman: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
Gandalf starts to laugh.
GANDALF: Haaaaaahahahahahahahaha!
Saruman pulls out his stick.
Saruman: Staff.
Whatever.
Saruman: Take that, you pansy!  You and your rainbow smoke!
GANDALF: Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!
Gandalf knocks Saruman to the ground with his staff.
Saruman: Wraith!
Wraith #1: Yes, your highness.
Wraith #1 goes over to Gandalf and breaks his staff.
GANDALF: Not cool, man, not cool.
Saruman: Thank you, now get out.
Saruman casts a spell at the Wraith, and he disappears in a cloud of rainbow smoke.
Gandalf snickers.
Saruman: Aaaaahhhh!  I’m gonna get you!  Join me or die!
GANDALF: Neither.
Gandalf lunges at Saruman and breaks his stick—
Satruman: Staff!
Whatever, in half.
Saruman: Oh, shoot.
They dive at each other, and start rolling around punching, and bitting, and scratching, and kicking.
Saruman pulls a little stick out of his pocket.
GANDALF: And what are you going to do with that?
Saruman: This is my spare, for emergencies.  I got it in a cereal box.
GANDALF: Feeties?
Saruman wiggles his stinky toes.
Saruman: And now, you will die!
Saruman points the stick and Gandalf, who is sent twisting in circles.
GANDALF: Oh, I’m gonna hurl!
Saruman: Hahahahahaha!
Gandalf starts to rise off the floor and up a shaft to the roof when----
Saruman: Oh darn, the batteries are dead.
Gandalf come back down and goes *splat* onto the floor.