Scene 2

FRODO: So, where am I going to destroy it?
Gandalf pulls out a map.
GANDALF: Ok, *pointing to Mordor* here.
Sam looks up from the map.
SAM: That’s a tree.
GANDALF: Oh, here.
Frodo gasps.
FRODO: Dude! That really big mountain?
Frodo looks at Sam.
FRODO&SAM: Excellent!
They do that little invisible guitar deal.
Another port-a-pottie falls from the sky.
SAM: Whoa.
Frodo points to it.
FRODO: Is that for us?
Gandalf nods, and they walk up to it.
Sam opens the door and giggles with excitement.
FRODO: Hey, Gandalf, where are you going?
Gandalf steps in the other port-a-pottie.
GANDALF: I’m going to see Bilbo.
FRODO: Bu----?
GANDFALF: Don’t worry, my most excellent friends, I’ll catch up with you later.
They shake a hang ten at each other and Gandalf gets in the port–pottie and shuts the door.
He looks through the back window at Frodo and Sam, and then disappears in a cloud of red smoke.
GANDALF: *cough cough*
SAM: Catcha later Gandalf!
Frodo gets in the port-a-pottie and Sam shuts the door.
FRODO: What are you doing?
Sam opens the door again.
SAM: What?
FRODO: You’re supposed to get in too.
SAM: Ewww.
Frodo pulls him in and shuts the door.
FRODO: Ok, how do you make this thing work?
Sam picks up a book.
SAM: Maybe you should look in the instruction manual.
Frodo looks at the book, and starts to read outloud.
FRODO: In case of emergency, remove plunger from glass case and-
SAM: Skip to the part on how to make it go.
Frodo flips a few pages.
FRODO: Oh!  Here we go.  To get where you want to go, simply flush the number of the place.  Numbers are posted throughout the book.
SAM: Keuwel.  So where do you want to go?
Frodo thinks.
FRODO: Well, I want to go to one place. But Gandalf says we are supposed to go to Mordor and destroy my ring.
SAM: So, this is sort of a time machine right?
FRODO: Yeah, so?
SAM: So, we got all the time in the world!
Frodo grins.
FRODO: Excellent!
Sam takes the book.
SAM: So where do you want to go?
FRODO: Hmmmmmmm.

<<<<AT BAG END>>>>

GANDALF: Bilbo!
Bilbo looks up from under the sheet.
BILBO: Gandalf!
Gandalf walks in.
GANDALF: Bilbo, what are you doing in Frodo’s room?
BILBO: I uh, fell asleep.
GANDALF: Oh, where’s Vicky?
BILBO: In the shower.
Gandalf smiles and walks out.
He knocks on the bathroom door.
GANDALF: Oh Shmoopsy-poo!
VICKY: Gandy-bear!
Vicky jumps out of the bathroom and puts her arms around Gandalf.
GANDALF: Why are you wearing the shower curtain?
VICKY: Oops.
She runs back into the bathroom and puts a towel on.
VICKY: Kiss me!
Gandalf kisses Vicky.
Bilbo walks out of Frodo’s room wearing the sheet.
BILBO: Vicky!
Vicky lets go of Gandalf.
VICKY: Yes, Billy?
GANDALF: Bilbo, where are your clothes?
Bilbo blushes.
BILBO: In the fridge.
GANDALF: Why are they in the fridge?
Bilbo scoots out of the hall and into the kitchen.
VICKY: He likes to be cool.
GANDALF: Oh.....Well, he certainly isn’t “hot”!
They start to laugh.
BILBO: I heard that!
He walks out of the kitchen wearing a Star Wars T-shirt.
GANDALF: *gasp* Blasphemy!
Bilbo flips his shirt inside out and there is a painted on Lord of the Rings logo.
GANDALF: Pheeew!
BILBO: Gandalf, why are you here?
GANDALF: I came to get Frodo to destroy a ring.
BILBO: What ring?
GANDALF: AN evil ring.
Bilbo runs into his room.
Gandalf and Vicky follow.
BILBO: My ring is gone!  Who stole it, precious!
GANDALF: Frodo took it.
BILBO: Why that good for nothing—
Gandalf puts his hand over Bilbo’s mouth.
GANDALF: See, I hafta go now and follow him, but I just wanted to check in and say hi.
VICKY: Hi.
GANDALF: Hi.
BILBO: Hi.
There is a long awkward silence.
GANDALF: Ok, I’ll be going now.
Gandalf passionately kisses Vicky.
BILBO: Bye-bye!
He kicks Gandalf out the door..
GANDALF: Hmmf!
He gets in the port-a-pottie and disappears in a cloud of orange smoke.
GANDALF: *cough cough*



FRODO: I want to go to, hmmm, the Grey Havens!
SAM: *gasp* You can’t go there yet!
Frodo frowns.
FRODO: Why not?
SAM: You hafta um, get stabbed and bitten and brutally beaten up first.
FRODO: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sam looks through the book.
SAM: How about San Dimas?
FRODO: Nah....
SAM: Ok, lets go to Farmer Maggot’s farm and steal some mushrooms.
FRODO: Excellent!
Sam flushes the pottie four times and they disappear in a cloud of yellow smoke.
FRODO&SAM: *cough cough*
They land in a cornfield and step out.
SAM: Yuck!
Sam steps into a pile of poop.
FRODO: Ewww.
Out of the blue, Merry and Pippin come flying through the corn, knocking Frodo and Sam over.
PIPPIN: Frodo!  Hey Merry!  It’s Frodo S. Baggins Esquire!
Sam rubs his head and growls.
SAM: *under his breath* And Sam Samwise Gamgee.
Merry gasps and pulls out a picture.
MERRY: Would you sign this for me????
Sam pulls Merry off of Frodo.
PIPPIN: Wait, I’ll pay you!
Merry walks up to the port-a-pottie.
MERRY: How nice to leave this in the middle of a field for a moment such as this!
SAM: Hey!  Stay away from that, dude!
Merry crosses his legs.
MERRY: But I hafta go!
PIPPIN: Me too!
They start dancing around.
FRODO: Hold it!
Pippin cries.
FRODO: If you flush it once, it will take you straight to Mordor!
Merry screams.
PIPPIN: How about I don’t flush it.
They all go EWW!!!
FRODO: Go on that tree over there.
Pippin goes and pees on a tree.
SAM: Dude, this is a cornfield.  Trees don’t grow in cornfields.
MAGGOT: Nope
Pippin screams and runs to hide behind Frodo.
MAGGOT: And these were new pants.
PIPPIN: Sorry.
SAM: Sorry, Mr. Maggot, but we were just passing through.  Won’t happen again.  My friends Pippin and Merry were most bogusly misguided in their thinking.  We’ll be going now.
MAGGOT: Not until I get some new pants.
FRODO: Ah, we got some extras in out port-a-pottie there, so we’ll go get some.
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin all crowd into the port-a-pottie.
MAGGOT: Eww.
Sam flushes ten times, and they disappear in a cloud of green smoke.
MAGGOT: *cough cough*
He looks around.
MAGGOT: Hey!  Where did they go???