Scene 3

Sam opens the door and steps out.
SAM: Dude, where are we?
Frodo squints at the sun, that immediately turns to rain.
FRODO: I dunno.
Meery and Pippin fall out.
PIPPIN: Ow!  That was my foot!
Merry dusts himself off as he stands up.
MERRY: Now will you sign my picture?
Frodo groans.
FRODO: Oh, all right.
Merry gets all excited and started to twitch.
Frodo signs as quickly as he can and hides behind Sam.
PIPPIN: So, where are we again?
FRODO: We don’t know.  Sam, how many times did you flush?
Sam scrathes his head.
SAM: Ten times I think.
Frodo grabs the book and looks up the number.
FRODO: Hey, we’re in Bree dude!
Merry and Pippin look at each other.
MERRY: Bree?  Where’s that?
SAM: Say, isn’t this that place that Gandalf told us to go?
FRODO: No, I thought he said we were supposed to go to Morodor.
SAM: Oh, well he said he’d meet us here.
FrODO: When did he say that?
Sam shrugs his shoulders.
SAM: The christmas party last year?  Remember?  “What happens in Bree, stays in Bree?”
Merry jumps up and down.
FRODO: Oh, what is it?
MERRY: Look, a wall, and a gate.
PIPPIN: I think it’s a city.
FRODO: No, ya think?
Merry is confused.
FRODO: Never mind.
SAM: Hey, let’s hide the potty, and go look for Gandalf.
Frodo looks at Sam.
FRODO&SAM: Excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
PIPPIN: Here, behind this tree.
They push the port-a-pottie behind the tree and cover it with leaves.
SAM: There, now it is desguised!
MERRY: No, it looks like a port-a-pottie covered in leaves.
SAM: Bogus.
FRODO: Let’s go.
Merry picks up a piece of paper off the ground.
MERRY: Hey, look at this.  The Porky Pomy.
Pippin grabs it.
PIPPIN: Here let me see!
Merry tries to get it back/
MERRY: Hey, I found it!
Sam takes it and hands it to Frodo.
FRODO: Come to the Porky Pony for drinks and a good time.
They all look at each other.
ALL: Excellent!
They all run to the gate.
Sam knocks.
DUDE: What do you want?
Frodo gets a big deep voice.
FRODO: Um dude, we wanna go to the Porky Pony to have a good time.
Dude thinks for a minute.
DUDE: Cool!
He opens the gate.
SAM: Thanks most graciously, dude.
MEERY&PIPPIN: Catcha later old gate dude!
They run into the city and throw mud pies at people.
SAM: Haha, I gotcha!
Frodo looks down the road.
FRODO: Hey!  There it is!  The Porky Pony!
ALL: Excellent!
They all run in and bump into an old guy with a beard.
FRODO: Gandalf!
Gandalf looks down.
GANDALF: Frodo!
SAM: Told ya.
Frodo scratches his head.
FRODO: What are you doing here?  I thought you were talking to Bilbo.
GANDALF: I was, then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for things in that really big white building.
FRODO: So....then why are you here?
GANDALF: Got thirsty.
He chugs a mug full of milk.
GANDALF: Ahhh, all better.  Catcha later hobbits!
He jumps in his port-a-potty.
ALL: Catcha later Gandalf!
He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke.
ALL: *Cough cough*
SAM: You think they are trying to tell us something with all this rainbow colored smoke???
FRODO: Hmmmmm.
Sam and Frodo look at each other and start to laugh.
SAM: So, Frodo, what are we supposed to do here?
FRDO: I dunno.
Merry hits Sam and Frodo on the shoulders.
MERRY: Oh duh!
PIPPIN: The free drinks and good time!!

<<<<LATER>>>>

FRODO: *burrrp*
Sam gives him a high five.
SAM: Good one dude.
Frodo smiles.
SAM: *belch*
Frodo burps three times in a row.
SAM: Oh yeah!
MERRY: Freaks, what are you doing?  We haven’t even got the drinks yet!
SAM: Oh yeah.
Frodo walks up to the counter.
He reaches his hands up, and pulls himself so that his chin touches the counter top.
FRODO: Gimme a hand dudes!
Merry and Pippin get under his feet and he stands on them.
Sam goes and sits down at a table with cheese.
FRODO: We’ll take four a’ your best!
Bar dude pours three glasses.
Frodo takes them in his arms, not realizing one is misisng.
PIPPIN: He didn’t even card us dude!
They go to the table/
FRODO: Here you go, Sam.
Sam takes a mug and drinks.
MERRY: *spits* What is this???
Frodo puts the mug down, he has a white mustache.
FRODO: Mmmmmmm.....milk!
PIPPIN: Ahhhh....so where’s the good times?
They see a bunch of girls dancing on the tables.
FRODO: Excellent!
He jumps up on the tables and joins them.
SAM: Well, I guess....
He gets up and starts dancing too.
Merry and Pippin run off in separate directions.
SAM: Hey, Frodo?
FRODO: Yeah, Sam?
Sam stops to catch his breath.
SAM: There’s a dude over there.
FRODO: So?  There’s one over there too.
SAM: No!  This one keeps looking at you.  You think that maybe.....
Frodo’s jaw drops.
FRODO: That he wants my ring?
SAM: No, that he’s a poof?
Frodo punches Sam.
SAM: What?  What did I say??
Frodo leans over and takes another swig of milk.
FRODO: Mmmmm, milk does a body good.
Frodo runs off in a conga line, stumbling and laughing maniacally.
Sam shakes his head and sits down, but watches the dude in the corner.
FRODO: Wooohooo!  Oh yeah!
Frodo comes around the corner when he is pulled out of the conga line and into the shadows.
FRODO: Ahhhh!
Some strange dude puts his hand over Frodo’s mouth.
DUDE: What do you think you’re doing?
FRODO: I was in the conga line!
Frodo points across the room to the conga line.
DUDE: Oh, well, ok.
FRODO: You want something?
DUDE: Yes, but first let me introduce myself.  Most folks call me Strider the Kid.
FRODO: Well, hello Mr. The Kid.
Frodo holds out his hand.
STRIDER: What is that?
Frodo looks at his hand.
FRODO: Oh, the ring I stole from Uncle Bill.  See, when he went and go into–
STRIDER: Give it to me!!
FRODO: What is wrong with you people?  No!
STRIDER: Ok.
FRODO: I supposed you want me to destroy it too?
They hear laughing and look over at the table across from them.
MERRY: SO I says to him, dude, you need a haircut!
The girl laughs and snorts.
PIPPIN: Well, that’s nothing compared to this!  See, my friend, Frodo S. Baggins Esquire has this totally evil ring!
STRINDER: Oh no.
FRODO: Ack!
Frodo runs and jumps on the table and starts to dance the jig as a destraction.
Everyone looks at him.
Sam slips a banana peal under his foot.
FRODO: Whoa!
Frodo goes flying into the air, letting go of his ring (which has managed to stay clamped in his fist all this time)
FRODO: My ring!
Frodo pulls out his magnet and the ring comes to him, accidentally landing right on his finger.
He disappears.
CROWD: What in the h—
STRIDER: Oh no.
Frodo looks around at the smoky, blurry air.
FRODO: Radical!
Someone steps on him.
FRODO: Ow!  Why you son of a dwaarf!
All of a sudden, a really big eyeball pops into his view.
FRODO: AAAAHHH!!!
Frodo pulls off the ring.
FRODO: Whoa, most triumphant! Ack—!
He is dragged off by Strider.
Strider throws him onto the floor of his room.
FRODO: Hey, that’s my melon, Mr. The Kid!
Strider wets his fingers and snubs out a candle.
STRIDER: Ow!
He blows out the rest.
STRIDER: I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
FRODO: Not sure what you are talking about.
STRIDER: Never mind.
FRODO: But what do you mean entirely?
STRIDER: You went invisible!
FRODO: Excellent!
STRIDER: Bogus.
Frodo frowns.
FRODO: Bogus?
STRIDER: Because the dark, not dead, evil dudes are coming to get you now!
FRODO: Geez, all because of this ring?
He holds it up and looks at it.
STRIDER: Are you frightened?
FRODO: No, you?
STRIDER: No, not really.
FRODO: Ok.

<<<IN THE WOODS>>>

DUDE: Man! Do I hafta pee!
He sees the port-a-pottie and goes to it.
DUDE: What luck!
He goes in, does his business and flushes once.
DUDE: AAAAHHHH!!!!
He disappears in a cloud of purple smoke.


<<<AT THE PORKY PONY>>>

SAM: Hey, Merry, where is Frodo?
MERRY: I dunno.
He lays down a full house.
MERRY: HA!  I win.
PIPPIN: I don’t think so!
He lays down 4 Aces.
GNARLY DUDE: Hey, you cheated!
PIPPIN: Did not!
Gnarly dude picks him up and shakes him.
Cards fall out of his sleeve.
PIPPIN: Oops.
Gnarly dude punches him.
SAM: Let’s go find Frodo!
MERRY: Right!
Merry grabs Pippin.
MERRY: Come on, Pip!
They run off out of the newly started bar fight.
SAM: Man, I have never seen so many people drunk off of milk!
They go up the stairs.
SAM: I think it’s this room!
He opens it.
WOMAN: AAAAHHHH!!!
PIPPIN: Nope.
MERRY: This one!
They run in.
SAM: Unhand him, or I’ll have your long johns!
Strider throws his underwear in Sam’s face.
He passes out.
Strider goes to sit in the corner.
Merry and Pippin run in and mess up the room, getting into all of Strider’s things.
STRIDER: Listen.
FRODO: To what?
Sam perks up.
Something screeches really loud.
PIPPIN: Ow, my lobes!
STRIDER: The not dead dudes, they are coming for us tonight.
They all scream.
ALL:   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!