Scene 1

The sun is just coming up over Hobbiton, and Frodo and Sam are in the garage at Bag End.
   FRODO:  I am Frodo S. Baggins Esquire!
He strums his guitar and smiles at the camera.
   SAM:  Take the camera.
   FRODO:  Oh, right.
Sam gets in front of the camera and strums his guitar.
   SAM:  And I am Sam Samwise Gamgee!
Frodo puts the camera down on the table.
   SAM&FRODO:  And we are, WILD PONIES!!!
They strum out of control and tune.
The speakers blow up.
   FRODO:  Oh, *cough* I think we had the power up to high, dude!
They fan the smoke out of their faces.
The garage door opens and they walk out.
   SAM:  You think your uncle will be mad?
   FRODO:  I dunno dude, but man, it was excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
   SAM:  Totally bogus though.
   FRODO:  It'll be better when we get BombadilHalen.
   SAM:  But we can't get BombadilHalen until we learn how to play.
   FRODO:  And that is why we need BombadilHalen.
They look at the ground stupidly and then at each other.
   SAM&FRODO:  Excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
Frodo looks at his watch and runs back into the garage.
   SAM:  What is it, dude?
   FRODO:  We're late!
   SAM:  For what?
   FRODO:  For school, dude!
   SAM:  Oh yeah.


<<<<AT SCHOOL>>>>

   TEACHER:  Frodo, I'm waiting.
Frodo thinks.
   FRODO:  He'd dead?
Teacher stands up from his desk.
   TEACHER:  So what you're telling me, is that Sauron was a tall, dead dude?
Frodo smiles and nods his head.
Sam leans over to Frodo.
   SAM:  You totally blew it dude!
   TEACHER:  Sam, stand up.
   SAM:  Me?
   TEACHER:  Yes, son, stand up.
Sam stands awkwardly.
   TEACHER:  Who was Gollum?
Sam thinks.
   SAM:  Smeagol's wife?
Everyone laughs.
The bell rings, and the class runs out the door, trampling Frodo and Sam.
   FRODO:  Ow, heinous treatment, dude.
   SAM:  Most unexcellent.
Frodo gets up, and pulls Sam with him.
   FRODO:  Hey, mister Teacher dude, my extinguished colleague Sam and I would just like to thank you for all that we've learned in your wonderful history class.
Sam smiles and nods.
   TEACHER:  Yes, and just what have you learned?
Sam looks around the room.  Frodo Scratches his head.
   SAM:  That the world is full…..of history!
Teacher pulls of his goggles and looks at them.
   TEACHER:  Boys, I'm sorry, but if you don't do well on your history report, I'm gonna have no choice but to flunk you both.
   FRODO:  Most nontriumphant.
They start to walk out the door.
   TEACHER:  And boys, you're report had better be really special.


<<<<OUTSIDE>>>>

   FRODO:  Bogus, heinous.  We are in danger of failing most definitely Sam.
A car pulls up.
  VICKY:  Hey, you guys need a ride?
Frodo and Sam stare.
   FRODO: Sure, Missy!
She looks at him disappointedly.
   FRODO:  I mean, Aunt Vicky.
They get in the back of the car.
   SAM:  Your aunt is totally hot, Frodo.
   FRODO:  Shut up, Sam.
   SAM:  You know she was a senior when we were freshmen?
   FRODO:  Shut up Sam!

<<<<IN FRODO'S ROOM>>>>

Sam is jumping up and down on the bed.
   FRODO:  Sam, you are too fat, you'll break my bed.
   SAM:  No I won't.
The bed collapses.
   SAM:  Oops.
Frodo picks up his history book.
   FRODO:  Ok, who is Sauron.
   SAM:  Uh, didn't he try and kill  that's gnarly white whale?
Frodo smacks his gum.
   FRODO:  That's cap'n Ahab, dude.
   SAM:  Oh, right.
Sam tries to put the bed back together.
   FRODO:  Sam, think, you musta learned something in Teacher's class!
Sam looks up.
   SAM:  Uh, I don't think so.
Sam grabs Frodo's history book.
   FRODO:  Hey!  I was using that!
Sam puts the book under the bed, spits out his gum and sticks it to the leg.
   SAM:  Here, lemme have your gum.
Frodo rolls his eyes, but spits it out.
   SAM:  Thanks!
Sam puts Frodo's gum on the book and sticks it to the leg.
He stands back to admire his work.
   SAM:  Hey!  How's that?
   FRODO:  You're an idiot, Sam.
Sam goes blank,  then smiles.
   SAM:  Thanks, dude!
The door opens and Vicky walks in.
   VICKY:  I thought you guys could use some snacks.
She sets a tray of food down on the desk.
Frodo stares at her.
Sam leans over to Frodo and whispers.
   SAM:  It's your aunt, dude!
Bilbo walks in.
   BILBO:  Hey, how's history coming?
Frodo snaps out of it.
   FRODO:  Most heinously, uncle Bill.  Sam and I are in danger of failing, again!
Bilbo looks at Vicky.
   BILBO:  Good…..goood…
Sam looks at Frodo.
   VICKY:  Who's your teacher?
   SAM:  Mister Teacher.
   VICKY:  Tell him hi.
Bilbo reachers in his back pocket and pulls out a wad of money.
   BILBO:  Here, you guys look like you need a break.
He hands Frodo the money.
   FRODO:  Thanks, uncle Bill.
Sam and Frodo get up and walk towards the door.
They look back and see Vicky and Bilbo standing behind the door.
Bilbo smiles at them and shuts the door.
   FRODO:  Bogus.
They start going down the stairs.
   SAM:  Now your uncle's going for it, in your own rooms~
   FRODO:  Shut up, Sam.
   SAM:  You are so lucky, Frodo.
   FRODO:  Shut up Sam!
   SAM:  You remember when I asked her to prom?
Frodo turns around.
   FRODO:  SHUT UP SAM!
Sam smiles stupidly.

<<<<AT THE CICLE H>>>>

Sam walks back to the curb.
   SAM:  1296, 1296, 1296…..ok, the lady over there said that the Last Alliance was in the year 1296.
   FRODO:  Of what age?
Sam goes blank.
   SAM:  I dunno.
A lady walks up.
   SAM:  Excuse me, do you know what age the Last Alliance was?
She shrugs her shoulders.
  LADY:  I don't know, I just work here.
Sam and Frodo go back to eating their ice cream.
   FRODO:  Maybe we should try Ale-Co.
   SAM:  'k.
Suddenly, the wind picks up and it gets really dark.
   SAM:  What the---?
They both stand up and watch lightning in the sky.
A Port-a-pottie falls from the sky.
    SAM:  Frodo?
    FRODO:  Yeah?
   SAM:  Strange things are afoot at the Circle H.
A guy comes out zipping up his pants.
   FRODO:  Dude!  I know who that is!
   SAM:  Who?
The guy comes up to them.
   FRODO:  Gandalf!
They hug.
   GANDALF:  Frodo my lad!
   FRODO:  Sorry, but you missed the wedding.
   SAM:  If you hurry, you can make the wedding  night.
Sam laughs and Frodo punches him.
   GANDALF:  What is he talking about.
   FRODO:  Nothing.
Sam glares.
Gandalf shrugs.
   GANDALF:  Ok, Frodo.  I am from  the future.
Sam and Frodo look at each other.
   SAM:  Whoa.
   FRODO:  Really?
   GANDALF:  Reallt really.
   FRODO:  Are you here to help with our history report?
   GANDALF:  No.
   SAM:  Oh, then why are you here?
Gandalf sighs.
   GANDALF:  Because of, AAAAH!  Where did you get that!!!???
He points to Frodo's hand.
Frodo looks down and sees the ring.
   FRODO:  What, this?
Gandalf swallows hard and nods.
   FRODO:  Oh, I stole it from Uncle Bill.  See, when he went into my room and stole my piggy back, I swore---
   GANDALF:  Give it to me!
   FRODO:  No!  It's mine!  you can't have it!  I stole it fair and square!  It's mine, my own, my precious…….
Sam gawks.
  SAM:  Wow.
Frodo giggles nervously.
   GANDALF:  Ok, ok ok, sheesh!  But you must destroy it.
Frodo looks at Sam.
   FRODO:  Oh, well why didn't you say so?