Scene 4

FRODO: What do we do?
Strider looks around.
STRIDER: Where are your rooms?
SAM: We don’t have any rooms!
STRIDER: Oh well!
They run out into the hall and find an empty room.
STRIDER: This’ll do!
They stuff the beds with pillows and shut the curtains.
FRODO: What’s this going to do?
STRIDER: I have no idea!
SAM: Here they come!
They run back to Strider’s room and hide under the bed with Merry and Pippin


Wraith #1: Look!  The Porky Pony!
Wraith #2: Why isn’t our talking in caps?
You aren’t special enough.
Wraith #2: Why I otta....
Wraith #4: Well, it says free drinks!  Let’s go!
Wraith #5: But Sauruman said to get the ring!
They all punch him.
Wraith #5: Or, we could take a quick libation.
They park their horses and walk into the Porky Pony Inn.
Wraith #3: Wow, a bar fight!
Wraith #2: Look at that sign!
Wraith #2 pulls down a poster.
He reads aloud.
Wraith #2: Now showing, “Wild Ponies!”
Wraith #5: Cool.
Wraith #4: Say, isn’t that them dudes we are afta?
Wraith #3: It is, isn’t it!  Let’s go!
He goes to run up the stairs.
Wraith #1 catches him by the cloak.
Wraith #1: Wait!  The free drinks first!
Wraith #3: Oh yeah.
They walk up to the bar.
Wraith #4: Bar dude, 5 milks please!
The bartender screams and runs off.
Wraiths: Hmmf!
The fight stops, everyone screams and the bar is emptied.
Wraith #5: All the more milk for us!
They start to drink all the milk.
After a while, all the milk is gone.
Wraith #2: Reckon now would be a good time to go and get them hobbits?
Wraith #4: *burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*
He gets smacked.
Wraith #1: Let’s go get ‘em!
They run up the stairs.
Wraith #2: This room!
He opens the door.
WOMAN: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
She throws a bar of soap at them.
Wraith #3: Nope, definitely not.
They continue on to the next room.
FRODO: Oh shoot they found us!
MERRY: Quick, do something!
Sam pushes play on the VCR.
Voice: Hold it right dere!
The Wraiths all stop.
Wraith #1: Who are you?
Voice: You was here last night!  And you was smoochin’ wid my brudda!
Wraith #1: I’m afraid you are mistaken!  We are looking for a ring....
Voice: Don’t gimme that!  You been smoochin’ wid everybody!  Cheeks, BonyBill, Barliman Butterbur, little Glorfindel with the gimpy leg, Tom, Gil, Sauron.
Wraith #1: What?  No I have not!
All the other Wraiths look at him suspiciously.
Voice: Ok, I believe you, but my Tommy Gun don’t!
Wraith #2 soils his armor.
Sam and Frodo snicker.
Voice: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.
They all get down on their knees.
Wraiths: We love you!
Voice: You gotta do better than that!
Wraith #1: oh for the Gray Haven’s sake!  We LOVE you!
Voice: Ok, I believe you, that’s why I’m gonna let you go.  I’m gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your lousy, stinkin, no good, four flushing carcass out my door!
The Wraiths scramble to leav.
Voice: One....two......ten!
A Tommy gun starts to fire.
They Wraiths scream and run out the door.
The voice laughs insanely.
Wraith #4: Definitely not that room!
All the Hobbits and Strider crack up under the beds.
Wraith #2: Next room!
They go to the next room.
TAPE RECORDER: We’re asleep, come and kill us.
Wraith #1: Wow!  We found them.
Loud snoring.
Wraith #4: Ok, let’s kill them and get the ring.
Hey stab the beds.
Wraith #2: Darn! Feathers!
Wraith #5: But look!  The ring!
Wraith #5 picks up the ring and they all run outside.
They mount their horses and ride off into the sunset.

FRODO: That was a close one!!!
They all get out from under the beds.
STRIDER: We best be off.  Do you still have that port-a-pottie that Gandalf gave you?
SAM: Yeah!  We hid it in the trees.
They all run outside and go into the woods outside the city.
MERRY: Where did it go?
PIPPIN: It was right here!
STRIDER: Oh no, not good.
Frodo starts to panic.
FRODO: Oh my, oh no, oh heck!  What are we going to do!!!!!!!!!???????
Sam starts to panic too.
Merry and Pippin start looking through the trees.
STRIDER: Well, I guess that this means that we will have to be going on foot.
FRODO: On foot??? WHERE???
Strider covers Frodo’s mouth with his hand.
STRIDER: We have to get that ring to Mordor.
FRODO: Oh right, but what about Gandalf?
Strider walks out of the trees and the others follow him.
STRIDER: Well, if he didn’t meet us here...
SAM: He did, only he went away again.
STRIDER: Then we have to make for Amun-Sul, Weather Top, the great watch Tower of Acthelion.
MERRY: Is that all one place?
STRIDER: Maybe.....
MERRY: Sheesh!
STRIDER: Come, we must go.
FRODO: Why?
STRIDER: We have to get out of here before those Wraiths come back.
FRODO: But they are taking a ring to Mordor!

<<<<ON THE ROAD TO MORDOR>>>>

Wraith #1: We are almost there!
They come to the Rainbow Gates.
Wraith # 2: Let us pass.
Evil dude: Not until you pay the toll.
Wraith #2: Toll, what toll?
The Evil dude points around.
Evil dude: Well, the toll you pay for crossing me gate.
Wraith #2: What? This gate is on his father’s land!
He points to #1
Wraith #4: *gasp* Sauron’s your father?
Wraith #1: That was supposed to be our secret!
Wraith #2 covers his mouth and tuns red.
Wraith #1: So how much do we owe you?
Evil dude: $29.50 a head.
Wraith #5: We ain’t really got heads.
Evil dude scratches his chin.
Evil dude: Well, then, I guess there is no toll.  You may pass!
Wraith #5: Thanks!
They go through the gate and ride up to Saruman’s Castle.
Wraith #1: Oops, I forgot.
Wraith #5: What?
Wraith #1: Saruman’s still in Isenguard.
They all make nasty comments and go back through the gate.
Wraith #1: Sorry!
Evil dude waves goodbye as they ride off to Isenguard.


<<<<IN ISENGUARD>>>>

Saruman: Against the powers of darkness there can be no victory.  We must join with him, Gandalf.  We must join Sauron.  It would be wise, my friend.
GANDALF: Tell me, friend, when—
Wraith #1 bursts through the door.
Wraith #1: Saruman!  I got the ONE ring!!!!
Saruman: You what???!!!
Gandalf tries to sneak out the open door.
Saruman shuts it with his magical powers.
GANDALF: Dangnammit!
Wraith #1: Ooooh.
Saruman: Give it to me!!!
Wraith #1 gives the ring to him.
Saruman: Yes! YES!!!!!!
He puts it on.
Saruman: Can you see me?
Gandalf scoffs.
GANDALF: Well, you are standing right in front of me.
Saruman pulls off the ring and looks on the inside.
Saruman: This does not look like the One Ring!
He throws it in the fireplace.
Saruman: If the firey letters appear, it is the ring, just out of whack.
The ring melts.
Saruman: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
Gandalf starts to laugh.
GANDALF: Haaaaaahahahahahahahaha!
Saruman pulls out his stick.
Saruman: Staff.
Whatever.
Saruman: Take that, you pansy!  You and your rainbow smoke!
GANDALF: Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!
Gandalf knocks Saruman to the ground with his staff.
Saruman: Wraith!
Wraith #1: Yes, your highness.
Wraith #1 goes over to Gandalf and breaks his staff.
GANDALF: Not cool, man, not cool.
Saruman: Thank you, now get out.
Saruman casts a spell at the Wraith, and he disappears in a cloud of rainbow smoke.
Gandalf snickers.
Saruman: Aaaaahhhh!  I’m gonna get you!  Join me or die!
GANDALF: Neither.
Gandalf lunges at Saruman and breaks his stick—
Satruman: Staff!
Whatever, in half.
Saruman: Oh, shoot.
They dive at each other, and start rolling around punching, and bitting, and scratching, and kicking.
Saruman pulls a little stick out of his pocket.
GANDALF: And what are you going to do with that?
Saruman: This is my spare, for emergencies.  I got it in a cereal box.
GANDALF: Feeties?
Saruman wiggles his stinky toes.
Saruman: And now, you will die!
Saruman points the stick and Gandalf, who is sent twisting in circles.
GANDALF: Oh, I’m gonna hurl!
Saruman: Hahahahahaha!
Gandalf starts to rise off the floor and up a shaft to the roof when----
Saruman: Oh darn, the batteries are dead.
Gandalf come back down and goes *splat* onto the floor.

Scene 3

Sam opens the door and steps out.
SAM: Dude, where are we?
Frodo squints at the sun, that immediately turns to rain.
FRODO: I dunno.
Meery and Pippin fall out.
PIPPIN: Ow!  That was my foot!
Merry dusts himself off as he stands up.
MERRY: Now will you sign my picture?
Frodo groans.
FRODO: Oh, all right.
Merry gets all excited and started to twitch.
Frodo signs as quickly as he can and hides behind Sam.
PIPPIN: So, where are we again?
FRODO: We don’t know.  Sam, how many times did you flush?
Sam scrathes his head.
SAM: Ten times I think.
Frodo grabs the book and looks up the number.
FRODO: Hey, we’re in Bree dude!
Merry and Pippin look at each other.
MERRY: Bree?  Where’s that?
SAM: Say, isn’t this that place that Gandalf told us to go?
FRODO: No, I thought he said we were supposed to go to Morodor.
SAM: Oh, well he said he’d meet us here.
FrODO: When did he say that?
Sam shrugs his shoulders.
SAM: The christmas party last year?  Remember?  “What happens in Bree, stays in Bree?”
Merry jumps up and down.
FRODO: Oh, what is it?
MERRY: Look, a wall, and a gate.
PIPPIN: I think it’s a city.
FRODO: No, ya think?
Merry is confused.
FRODO: Never mind.
SAM: Hey, let’s hide the potty, and go look for Gandalf.
Frodo looks at Sam.
FRODO&SAM: Excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
PIPPIN: Here, behind this tree.
They push the port-a-pottie behind the tree and cover it with leaves.
SAM: There, now it is desguised!
MERRY: No, it looks like a port-a-pottie covered in leaves.
SAM: Bogus.
FRODO: Let’s go.
Merry picks up a piece of paper off the ground.
MERRY: Hey, look at this.  The Porky Pomy.
Pippin grabs it.
PIPPIN: Here let me see!
Merry tries to get it back/
MERRY: Hey, I found it!
Sam takes it and hands it to Frodo.
FRODO: Come to the Porky Pony for drinks and a good time.
They all look at each other.
ALL: Excellent!
They all run to the gate.
Sam knocks.
DUDE: What do you want?
Frodo gets a big deep voice.
FRODO: Um dude, we wanna go to the Porky Pony to have a good time.
Dude thinks for a minute.
DUDE: Cool!
He opens the gate.
SAM: Thanks most graciously, dude.
MEERY&PIPPIN: Catcha later old gate dude!
They run into the city and throw mud pies at people.
SAM: Haha, I gotcha!
Frodo looks down the road.
FRODO: Hey!  There it is!  The Porky Pony!
ALL: Excellent!
They all run in and bump into an old guy with a beard.
FRODO: Gandalf!
Gandalf looks down.
GANDALF: Frodo!
SAM: Told ya.
Frodo scratches his head.
FRODO: What are you doing here?  I thought you were talking to Bilbo.
GANDALF: I was, then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for things in that really big white building.
FRODO: So....then why are you here?
GANDALF: Got thirsty.
He chugs a mug full of milk.
GANDALF: Ahhh, all better.  Catcha later hobbits!
He jumps in his port-a-potty.
ALL: Catcha later Gandalf!
He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke.
ALL: *Cough cough*
SAM: You think they are trying to tell us something with all this rainbow colored smoke???
FRODO: Hmmmmm.
Sam and Frodo look at each other and start to laugh.
SAM: So, Frodo, what are we supposed to do here?
FRDO: I dunno.
Merry hits Sam and Frodo on the shoulders.
MERRY: Oh duh!
PIPPIN: The free drinks and good time!!

<<<<LATER>>>>

FRODO: *burrrp*
Sam gives him a high five.
SAM: Good one dude.
Frodo smiles.
SAM: *belch*
Frodo burps three times in a row.
SAM: Oh yeah!
MERRY: Freaks, what are you doing?  We haven’t even got the drinks yet!
SAM: Oh yeah.
Frodo walks up to the counter.
He reaches his hands up, and pulls himself so that his chin touches the counter top.
FRODO: Gimme a hand dudes!
Merry and Pippin get under his feet and he stands on them.
Sam goes and sits down at a table with cheese.
FRODO: We’ll take four a’ your best!
Bar dude pours three glasses.
Frodo takes them in his arms, not realizing one is misisng.
PIPPIN: He didn’t even card us dude!
They go to the table/
FRODO: Here you go, Sam.
Sam takes a mug and drinks.
MERRY: *spits* What is this???
Frodo puts the mug down, he has a white mustache.
FRODO: Mmmmmmm.....milk!
PIPPIN: Ahhhh....so where’s the good times?
They see a bunch of girls dancing on the tables.
FRODO: Excellent!
He jumps up on the tables and joins them.
SAM: Well, I guess....
He gets up and starts dancing too.
Merry and Pippin run off in separate directions.
SAM: Hey, Frodo?
FRODO: Yeah, Sam?
Sam stops to catch his breath.
SAM: There’s a dude over there.
FRODO: So?  There’s one over there too.
SAM: No!  This one keeps looking at you.  You think that maybe.....
Frodo’s jaw drops.
FRODO: That he wants my ring?
SAM: No, that he’s a poof?
Frodo punches Sam.
SAM: What?  What did I say??
Frodo leans over and takes another swig of milk.
FRODO: Mmmmm, milk does a body good.
Frodo runs off in a conga line, stumbling and laughing maniacally.
Sam shakes his head and sits down, but watches the dude in the corner.
FRODO: Wooohooo!  Oh yeah!
Frodo comes around the corner when he is pulled out of the conga line and into the shadows.
FRODO: Ahhhh!
Some strange dude puts his hand over Frodo’s mouth.
DUDE: What do you think you’re doing?
FRODO: I was in the conga line!
Frodo points across the room to the conga line.
DUDE: Oh, well, ok.
FRODO: You want something?
DUDE: Yes, but first let me introduce myself.  Most folks call me Strider the Kid.
FRODO: Well, hello Mr. The Kid.
Frodo holds out his hand.
STRIDER: What is that?
Frodo looks at his hand.
FRODO: Oh, the ring I stole from Uncle Bill.  See, when he went and go into–
STRIDER: Give it to me!!
FRODO: What is wrong with you people?  No!
STRIDER: Ok.
FRODO: I supposed you want me to destroy it too?
They hear laughing and look over at the table across from them.
MERRY: SO I says to him, dude, you need a haircut!
The girl laughs and snorts.
PIPPIN: Well, that’s nothing compared to this!  See, my friend, Frodo S. Baggins Esquire has this totally evil ring!
STRINDER: Oh no.
FRODO: Ack!
Frodo runs and jumps on the table and starts to dance the jig as a destraction.
Everyone looks at him.
Sam slips a banana peal under his foot.
FRODO: Whoa!
Frodo goes flying into the air, letting go of his ring (which has managed to stay clamped in his fist all this time)
FRODO: My ring!
Frodo pulls out his magnet and the ring comes to him, accidentally landing right on his finger.
He disappears.
CROWD: What in the h—
STRIDER: Oh no.
Frodo looks around at the smoky, blurry air.
FRODO: Radical!
Someone steps on him.
FRODO: Ow!  Why you son of a dwaarf!
All of a sudden, a really big eyeball pops into his view.
FRODO: AAAAHHH!!!
Frodo pulls off the ring.
FRODO: Whoa, most triumphant! Ack—!
He is dragged off by Strider.
Strider throws him onto the floor of his room.
FRODO: Hey, that’s my melon, Mr. The Kid!
Strider wets his fingers and snubs out a candle.
STRIDER: Ow!
He blows out the rest.
STRIDER: I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
FRODO: Not sure what you are talking about.
STRIDER: Never mind.
FRODO: But what do you mean entirely?
STRIDER: You went invisible!
FRODO: Excellent!
STRIDER: Bogus.
Frodo frowns.
FRODO: Bogus?
STRIDER: Because the dark, not dead, evil dudes are coming to get you now!
FRODO: Geez, all because of this ring?
He holds it up and looks at it.
STRIDER: Are you frightened?
FRODO: No, you?
STRIDER: No, not really.
FRODO: Ok.

<<<IN THE WOODS>>>

DUDE: Man! Do I hafta pee!
He sees the port-a-pottie and goes to it.
DUDE: What luck!
He goes in, does his business and flushes once.
DUDE: AAAAHHHH!!!!
He disappears in a cloud of purple smoke.


<<<AT THE PORKY PONY>>>

SAM: Hey, Merry, where is Frodo?
MERRY: I dunno.
He lays down a full house.
MERRY: HA!  I win.
PIPPIN: I don’t think so!
He lays down 4 Aces.
GNARLY DUDE: Hey, you cheated!
PIPPIN: Did not!
Gnarly dude picks him up and shakes him.
Cards fall out of his sleeve.
PIPPIN: Oops.
Gnarly dude punches him.
SAM: Let’s go find Frodo!
MERRY: Right!
Merry grabs Pippin.
MERRY: Come on, Pip!
They run off out of the newly started bar fight.
SAM: Man, I have never seen so many people drunk off of milk!
They go up the stairs.
SAM: I think it’s this room!
He opens it.
WOMAN: AAAAHHHH!!!
PIPPIN: Nope.
MERRY: This one!
They run in.
SAM: Unhand him, or I’ll have your long johns!
Strider throws his underwear in Sam’s face.
He passes out.
Strider goes to sit in the corner.
Merry and Pippin run in and mess up the room, getting into all of Strider’s things.
STRIDER: Listen.
FRODO: To what?
Sam perks up.
Something screeches really loud.
PIPPIN: Ow, my lobes!
STRIDER: The not dead dudes, they are coming for us tonight.
They all scream.
ALL:   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 2

FRODO: So, where am I going to destroy it?
Gandalf pulls out a map.
GANDALF: Ok, *pointing to Mordor* here.
Sam looks up from the map.
SAM: That’s a tree.
GANDALF: Oh, here.
Frodo gasps.
FRODO: Dude! That really big mountain?
Frodo looks at Sam.
FRODO&SAM: Excellent!
They do that little invisible guitar deal.
Another port-a-pottie falls from the sky.
SAM: Whoa.
Frodo points to it.
FRODO: Is that for us?
Gandalf nods, and they walk up to it.
Sam opens the door and giggles with excitement.
FRODO: Hey, Gandalf, where are you going?
Gandalf steps in the other port-a-pottie.
GANDALF: I’m going to see Bilbo.
FRODO: Bu----?
GANDFALF: Don’t worry, my most excellent friends, I’ll catch up with you later.
They shake a hang ten at each other and Gandalf gets in the port–pottie and shuts the door.
He looks through the back window at Frodo and Sam, and then disappears in a cloud of red smoke.
GANDALF: *cough cough*
SAM: Catcha later Gandalf!
Frodo gets in the port-a-pottie and Sam shuts the door.
FRODO: What are you doing?
Sam opens the door again.
SAM: What?
FRODO: You’re supposed to get in too.
SAM: Ewww.
Frodo pulls him in and shuts the door.
FRODO: Ok, how do you make this thing work?
Sam picks up a book.
SAM: Maybe you should look in the instruction manual.
Frodo looks at the book, and starts to read outloud.
FRODO: In case of emergency, remove plunger from glass case and-
SAM: Skip to the part on how to make it go.
Frodo flips a few pages.
FRODO: Oh!  Here we go.  To get where you want to go, simply flush the number of the place.  Numbers are posted throughout the book.
SAM: Keuwel.  So where do you want to go?
Frodo thinks.
FRODO: Well, I want to go to one place. But Gandalf says we are supposed to go to Mordor and destroy my ring.
SAM: So, this is sort of a time machine right?
FRODO: Yeah, so?
SAM: So, we got all the time in the world!
Frodo grins.
FRODO: Excellent!
Sam takes the book.
SAM: So where do you want to go?
FRODO: Hmmmmmmm.

<<<<AT BAG END>>>>

GANDALF: Bilbo!
Bilbo looks up from under the sheet.
BILBO: Gandalf!
Gandalf walks in.
GANDALF: Bilbo, what are you doing in Frodo’s room?
BILBO: I uh, fell asleep.
GANDALF: Oh, where’s Vicky?
BILBO: In the shower.
Gandalf smiles and walks out.
He knocks on the bathroom door.
GANDALF: Oh Shmoopsy-poo!
VICKY: Gandy-bear!
Vicky jumps out of the bathroom and puts her arms around Gandalf.
GANDALF: Why are you wearing the shower curtain?
VICKY: Oops.
She runs back into the bathroom and puts a towel on.
VICKY: Kiss me!
Gandalf kisses Vicky.
Bilbo walks out of Frodo’s room wearing the sheet.
BILBO: Vicky!
Vicky lets go of Gandalf.
VICKY: Yes, Billy?
GANDALF: Bilbo, where are your clothes?
Bilbo blushes.
BILBO: In the fridge.
GANDALF: Why are they in the fridge?
Bilbo scoots out of the hall and into the kitchen.
VICKY: He likes to be cool.
GANDALF: Oh.....Well, he certainly isn’t “hot”!
They start to laugh.
BILBO: I heard that!
He walks out of the kitchen wearing a Star Wars T-shirt.
GANDALF: *gasp* Blasphemy!
Bilbo flips his shirt inside out and there is a painted on Lord of the Rings logo.
GANDALF: Pheeew!
BILBO: Gandalf, why are you here?
GANDALF: I came to get Frodo to destroy a ring.
BILBO: What ring?
GANDALF: AN evil ring.
Bilbo runs into his room.
Gandalf and Vicky follow.
BILBO: My ring is gone!  Who stole it, precious!
GANDALF: Frodo took it.
BILBO: Why that good for nothing—
Gandalf puts his hand over Bilbo’s mouth.
GANDALF: See, I hafta go now and follow him, but I just wanted to check in and say hi.
VICKY: Hi.
GANDALF: Hi.
BILBO: Hi.
There is a long awkward silence.
GANDALF: Ok, I’ll be going now.
Gandalf passionately kisses Vicky.
BILBO: Bye-bye!
He kicks Gandalf out the door..
GANDALF: Hmmf!
He gets in the port-a-pottie and disappears in a cloud of orange smoke.
GANDALF: *cough cough*



FRODO: I want to go to, hmmm, the Grey Havens!
SAM: *gasp* You can’t go there yet!
Frodo frowns.
FRODO: Why not?
SAM: You hafta um, get stabbed and bitten and brutally beaten up first.
FRODO: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sam looks through the book.
SAM: How about San Dimas?
FRODO: Nah....
SAM: Ok, lets go to Farmer Maggot’s farm and steal some mushrooms.
FRODO: Excellent!
Sam flushes the pottie four times and they disappear in a cloud of yellow smoke.
FRODO&SAM: *cough cough*
They land in a cornfield and step out.
SAM: Yuck!
Sam steps into a pile of poop.
FRODO: Ewww.
Out of the blue, Merry and Pippin come flying through the corn, knocking Frodo and Sam over.
PIPPIN: Frodo!  Hey Merry!  It’s Frodo S. Baggins Esquire!
Sam rubs his head and growls.
SAM: *under his breath* And Sam Samwise Gamgee.
Merry gasps and pulls out a picture.
MERRY: Would you sign this for me????
Sam pulls Merry off of Frodo.
PIPPIN: Wait, I’ll pay you!
Merry walks up to the port-a-pottie.
MERRY: How nice to leave this in the middle of a field for a moment such as this!
SAM: Hey!  Stay away from that, dude!
Merry crosses his legs.
MERRY: But I hafta go!
PIPPIN: Me too!
They start dancing around.
FRODO: Hold it!
Pippin cries.
FRODO: If you flush it once, it will take you straight to Mordor!
Merry screams.
PIPPIN: How about I don’t flush it.
They all go EWW!!!
FRODO: Go on that tree over there.
Pippin goes and pees on a tree.
SAM: Dude, this is a cornfield.  Trees don’t grow in cornfields.
MAGGOT: Nope
Pippin screams and runs to hide behind Frodo.
MAGGOT: And these were new pants.
PIPPIN: Sorry.
SAM: Sorry, Mr. Maggot, but we were just passing through.  Won’t happen again.  My friends Pippin and Merry were most bogusly misguided in their thinking.  We’ll be going now.
MAGGOT: Not until I get some new pants.
FRODO: Ah, we got some extras in out port-a-pottie there, so we’ll go get some.
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin all crowd into the port-a-pottie.
MAGGOT: Eww.
Sam flushes ten times, and they disappear in a cloud of green smoke.
MAGGOT: *cough cough*
He looks around.
MAGGOT: Hey!  Where did they go???

Scene 1

The sun is just coming up over Hobbiton, and Frodo and Sam are in the garage at Bag End.
   FRODO:  I am Frodo S. Baggins Esquire!
He strums his guitar and smiles at the camera.
   SAM:  Take the camera.
   FRODO:  Oh, right.
Sam gets in front of the camera and strums his guitar.
   SAM:  And I am Sam Samwise Gamgee!
Frodo puts the camera down on the table.
   SAM&FRODO:  And we are, WILD PONIES!!!
They strum out of control and tune.
The speakers blow up.
   FRODO:  Oh, *cough* I think we had the power up to high, dude!
They fan the smoke out of their faces.
The garage door opens and they walk out.
   SAM:  You think your uncle will be mad?
   FRODO:  I dunno dude, but man, it was excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
   SAM:  Totally bogus though.
   FRODO:  It'll be better when we get BombadilHalen.
   SAM:  But we can't get BombadilHalen until we learn how to play.
   FRODO:  And that is why we need BombadilHalen.
They look at the ground stupidly and then at each other.
   SAM&FRODO:  Excellent!
They do the little invisible guitar deal.
Frodo looks at his watch and runs back into the garage.
   SAM:  What is it, dude?
   FRODO:  We're late!
   SAM:  For what?
   FRODO:  For school, dude!
   SAM:  Oh yeah.


<<<<AT SCHOOL>>>>

   TEACHER:  Frodo, I'm waiting.
Frodo thinks.
   FRODO:  He'd dead?
Teacher stands up from his desk.
   TEACHER:  So what you're telling me, is that Sauron was a tall, dead dude?
Frodo smiles and nods his head.
Sam leans over to Frodo.
   SAM:  You totally blew it dude!
   TEACHER:  Sam, stand up.
   SAM:  Me?
   TEACHER:  Yes, son, stand up.
Sam stands awkwardly.
   TEACHER:  Who was Gollum?
Sam thinks.
   SAM:  Smeagol's wife?
Everyone laughs.
The bell rings, and the class runs out the door, trampling Frodo and Sam.
   FRODO:  Ow, heinous treatment, dude.
   SAM:  Most unexcellent.
Frodo gets up, and pulls Sam with him.
   FRODO:  Hey, mister Teacher dude, my extinguished colleague Sam and I would just like to thank you for all that we've learned in your wonderful history class.
Sam smiles and nods.
   TEACHER:  Yes, and just what have you learned?
Sam looks around the room.  Frodo Scratches his head.
   SAM:  That the world is full…..of history!
Teacher pulls of his goggles and looks at them.
   TEACHER:  Boys, I'm sorry, but if you don't do well on your history report, I'm gonna have no choice but to flunk you both.
   FRODO:  Most nontriumphant.
They start to walk out the door.
   TEACHER:  And boys, you're report had better be really special.


<<<<OUTSIDE>>>>

   FRODO:  Bogus, heinous.  We are in danger of failing most definitely Sam.
A car pulls up.
  VICKY:  Hey, you guys need a ride?
Frodo and Sam stare.
   FRODO: Sure, Missy!
She looks at him disappointedly.
   FRODO:  I mean, Aunt Vicky.
They get in the back of the car.
   SAM:  Your aunt is totally hot, Frodo.
   FRODO:  Shut up, Sam.
   SAM:  You know she was a senior when we were freshmen?
   FRODO:  Shut up Sam!

<<<<IN FRODO'S ROOM>>>>

Sam is jumping up and down on the bed.
   FRODO:  Sam, you are too fat, you'll break my bed.
   SAM:  No I won't.
The bed collapses.
   SAM:  Oops.
Frodo picks up his history book.
   FRODO:  Ok, who is Sauron.
   SAM:  Uh, didn't he try and kill  that's gnarly white whale?
Frodo smacks his gum.
   FRODO:  That's cap'n Ahab, dude.
   SAM:  Oh, right.
Sam tries to put the bed back together.
   FRODO:  Sam, think, you musta learned something in Teacher's class!
Sam looks up.
   SAM:  Uh, I don't think so.
Sam grabs Frodo's history book.
   FRODO:  Hey!  I was using that!
Sam puts the book under the bed, spits out his gum and sticks it to the leg.
   SAM:  Here, lemme have your gum.
Frodo rolls his eyes, but spits it out.
   SAM:  Thanks!
Sam puts Frodo's gum on the book and sticks it to the leg.
He stands back to admire his work.
   SAM:  Hey!  How's that?
   FRODO:  You're an idiot, Sam.
Sam goes blank,  then smiles.
   SAM:  Thanks, dude!
The door opens and Vicky walks in.
   VICKY:  I thought you guys could use some snacks.
She sets a tray of food down on the desk.
Frodo stares at her.
Sam leans over to Frodo and whispers.
   SAM:  It's your aunt, dude!
Bilbo walks in.
   BILBO:  Hey, how's history coming?
Frodo snaps out of it.
   FRODO:  Most heinously, uncle Bill.  Sam and I are in danger of failing, again!
Bilbo looks at Vicky.
   BILBO:  Good…..goood…
Sam looks at Frodo.
   VICKY:  Who's your teacher?
   SAM:  Mister Teacher.
   VICKY:  Tell him hi.
Bilbo reachers in his back pocket and pulls out a wad of money.
   BILBO:  Here, you guys look like you need a break.
He hands Frodo the money.
   FRODO:  Thanks, uncle Bill.
Sam and Frodo get up and walk towards the door.
They look back and see Vicky and Bilbo standing behind the door.
Bilbo smiles at them and shuts the door.
   FRODO:  Bogus.
They start going down the stairs.
   SAM:  Now your uncle's going for it, in your own rooms~
   FRODO:  Shut up, Sam.
   SAM:  You are so lucky, Frodo.
   FRODO:  Shut up Sam!
   SAM:  You remember when I asked her to prom?
Frodo turns around.
   FRODO:  SHUT UP SAM!
Sam smiles stupidly.

<<<<AT THE CICLE H>>>>

Sam walks back to the curb.
   SAM:  1296, 1296, 1296…..ok, the lady over there said that the Last Alliance was in the year 1296.
   FRODO:  Of what age?
Sam goes blank.
   SAM:  I dunno.
A lady walks up.
   SAM:  Excuse me, do you know what age the Last Alliance was?
She shrugs her shoulders.
  LADY:  I don't know, I just work here.
Sam and Frodo go back to eating their ice cream.
   FRODO:  Maybe we should try Ale-Co.
   SAM:  'k.
Suddenly, the wind picks up and it gets really dark.
   SAM:  What the---?
They both stand up and watch lightning in the sky.
A Port-a-pottie falls from the sky.
    SAM:  Frodo?
    FRODO:  Yeah?
   SAM:  Strange things are afoot at the Circle H.
A guy comes out zipping up his pants.
   FRODO:  Dude!  I know who that is!
   SAM:  Who?
The guy comes up to them.
   FRODO:  Gandalf!
They hug.
   GANDALF:  Frodo my lad!
   FRODO:  Sorry, but you missed the wedding.
   SAM:  If you hurry, you can make the wedding  night.
Sam laughs and Frodo punches him.
   GANDALF:  What is he talking about.
   FRODO:  Nothing.
Sam glares.
Gandalf shrugs.
   GANDALF:  Ok, Frodo.  I am from  the future.
Sam and Frodo look at each other.
   SAM:  Whoa.
   FRODO:  Really?
   GANDALF:  Reallt really.
   FRODO:  Are you here to help with our history report?
   GANDALF:  No.
   SAM:  Oh, then why are you here?
Gandalf sighs.
   GANDALF:  Because of, AAAAH!  Where did you get that!!!???
He points to Frodo's hand.
Frodo looks down and sees the ring.
   FRODO:  What, this?
Gandalf swallows hard and nods.
   FRODO:  Oh, I stole it from Uncle Bill.  See, when he went into my room and stole my piggy back, I swore---
   GANDALF:  Give it to me!
   FRODO:  No!  It's mine!  you can't have it!  I stole it fair and square!  It's mine, my own, my precious…….
Sam gawks.
  SAM:  Wow.
Frodo giggles nervously.
   GANDALF:  Ok, ok ok, sheesh!  But you must destroy it.
Frodo looks at Sam.
   FRODO:  Oh, well why didn't you say so?

The Intro

Welcome!  I have been very bored.  So!  I decided to post a funny parody of "Lord Of The Rings" that I wrote while in high school.  It's called "Frodo and Sam's Excellent Adventure".  I bet you can guess where I got my inspiration.  Haha, it was so popular on one of the websites I originally published it at, someone plagiarized it.  Nice huh?  Good thing I caught them!  Anyhoo, here goes nothing!  Hope you enjoy!